[fanfic] Illusion

[polarbear345]

Summary : I'll regret it forever if I hurt him.

I freeze on my track as I saw him standing in front of the university gate. He smiled at me and waved his hand.  I smiled and waved back in a less excited manner.  I walked slowly since I hurt my back yesterday. It was my first time and he was so rough. Ugh.

Last night, during the time he devoured me, he said, “I love you, Masaki,” I can’t say anything at all, that time I was so stunned, and also it’s not like he gave me the chance to say anything. Since he’s so rough with me, I completely passed out after we‘re done. I don’t even know when he leaves.

“Masaki, are you okay?” I blinked, he already stands beside me as I walked too slowly.

“What do you think? It was my first time and you do me just like a beast,” I said, walking away without waiting for his stunned expression to change.

“W—Wait! Masaki,” he held my arms and spun me around to face him. “It was your first time?” I looked at his eyes as if asking ‘Are you serious?’.
“What do you expect? Of course it’s my first time!” I hissed at his stunned expression. He stood there looking dumbfounded, speechless. I paused. Does it mean he didn’t know that last night was my first time? Fuck.

“Masaki, I—“

“No, don’t say anything. I don’t wanna hear it.” I quickly cut him off before he said what I’ve been feared the most. “If you regret it, what am I going to be..” I said in pain and left him without looking at his guilty expression. It hurts me so much. Is it really only because of the situation? Is it only … lust? I ran to the rooftop before the tears that’s been cumulating in my eyes, fall.

***

I walked slowly to the classroom. Eyes swollen after I cried my heart out. I clenched my teeth as I remember his guilty face. Tears threatened to fall again if it’s not for someone tapping my shoulder. I turned around to see Jun-kun looking at me with concerned eyes.

“I’ve been calling you,” he said in a soft tone. I blink the tears in my eyes, and put my usual best big smile. “Really? Sorry, I didn’t hear you, I can space out too, you know,” I said nonchalantly, and continuing my walk towards the classroom. He followed my pace and walk beside me.

“Still, it doesn’t like you to be spacing out in this early morning,” he said. I put my hands on my pocket. “Well, although you always said I’m an airhead, I have some things in mind too,” I said in a playful manner. I saw worries in Jun-kun eyes. I smiled. “Don’t worry, Jun-kun, I’m okay. It’s not like you to be worrisome over me,” I teased. He rolls his eyes.

“It’s because you ignore me,” he said. I laughed. He has this stoic personality, so he always scolds me because I’m a reckless person, even though Jun-kun is younger than me by a year, he has the courage to scold his senpai. Jun-kun is a handsome man, every girls squeal when they saw him, and every guys would die just to be him. I glanced at him, today he looks gorgeous as well. He wore a navy blue shirt, a tight black jeans, and blue sneakers. He spiked his hair up, it frames the sharp outline of his face perfectly. He looks hard, but inside his hard outlook, he is a very nice person. He adjusted his bag before saying, “If you have something that bothers you, you can tell me.”

I look at him, looking at his stern eyes, I saw worries swarming in those eyes and I can help but being grateful. I give him my sweetest smile, “Thank you, Jun-kun. I’ll be okay.” He smiled back at me before we got to the almost full classroom. I stand there, looking around the class and spot him in the front rows with the girls. I clenched my fingers on my bag string, ignoring the pain in my chest. “Let’s sit in the back, Jun-kun,” I said walking towards the desk some rows in the back.

“Eh? Why? There are some free desks beside Sho-kun,” H asked but still following me to the back row. I throw my bag to the desk and sit leaning on the wall grinning to him, “I’m not really in the mood to follow today’s lecture, so let me sleep here, okay?” He glared at me and it makes me laugh. “Just kidding, Jun-kun, I just want to sit here,” He sighed and sit beside me.

“I wonder why I followed your lead,” he shook his head astonished. I laughed, “Because you love me that much,” I wink at him right before the lecturer makes his way to the class. I missed the look on his face as I turn my attention to the front class.

I couldn’t make out most of the lecture. I wrote non-sense in my notes as I stared at his back, so close against that girl. I gritted my teeth. The pain I feel in my chest was constantly swollen. Yesterday and this morning memories keep replaying in my head. His eyes, full of lust, those gleam in the dark. His fingers all over my body, roaming, making sparks in every bit of my skin that he touched. His lips, touching mine and making marks all over my body, leaving tingles in their trails. His expression when he finally satisfied our needs. His voice when he whispered the words in my ears. I gripped the pen in my hand harder. I unconsciously touched my neck where one of his marks is fading.

What disappoint me the most is his expression this morning. He regrets it. He regrets having sex with me. I swallowed the tears that follow my thought. Lust. It’s only lust. I hate myself for being so weak, letting him having his way to claim me, without any resistance. So stupid. I’m so stu..

“Pay attention,” I feel the soft touch in my left hand. I turned my head towards Jun-kun. He is still writing notes about the lecture, looking at the lecturer closely. He stopped his hand movement as he felt the stares from me. “Pay attention to the lecture, not me,” he said firmly. I giggled before turning away, concentrating on the lecture. “This is why your grade is so-so,” he said.

“I don’t mind though.” I shrugged giggling at his straight-edged attitude. “You better talk to me about what’s been bothering you,” he said, and adding before I even said anything, “I won’t take no for the answer.”

Uh-oh.

***

I sit on the cafeteria, eating my lunch alone. Jun-kun is having another class right after the class is over, which is saving me from the need to tell him the story. But still, it feels lonely when you have to eat alone. I looked outside the window as I played with my spaghetti.

“Meals are supposed to be eaten, not played with,” I turns my head to the voice beside me. I gripped my fork tighter.

“Sho-kun, what are you doing here?” I looked around the cafeteria and easily recognized the hatred look directed towards me. Fuck. Being hated is suck enough, but doubling it with seeing him here is a bit out of it.

“Eating my lunch obviously,” he said nonchalantly then begins to eat his lunch. “Don’t worry, like I said, she has no right to keep me beside her forever, I’m not even hers,” he continued answering my question without me having to say it. “Your face tells it all, you know,” he cocked his head to look properly at me. I swallowed groggily and reach for my drink, “I know you’re avoiding me in class,” I paused. He got me.

“Haha, I’m not, why should I avoid you?” I darted my eyes to the garden outside the cafeteria, refusing to meet his eyes. I heard him sighing. I clenched my left hand on my thighs.

“You’re averting your eyes,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m sorry, Masaki,” No, don’t say it. I gritted my teeth. “I’m sorry, if I know it was your first time, I wouldn’t do it. I’m so sorry, Masaki.” I’m trying so hard to hold my tears back. He regrets it. One of my tears slipped out. I quickly disposed it.

“Masaki,” he called my name. I feel another sting in my heart as I hear my name falls from his lips. I couldn’t do this. How am I supposed to act?

“I’m sorry. I really am sorry,” Every word he says, it’s like a sword stabbing my chest, one by one, without mercy. “Masaki, I’m—“

“STOP IT!” I lose my control and scream at him. He stunned, dumbfounded. As well as the whole cafeteria. I gripped the fork, hard, not realizing how it was snapping in my hand. “Just stop it,” I said in despair, weakly. I realized how quiet the cafeteria was, I grab my bag and leave. I saw Jun-kun at the entrance. His expression is unreadable, but tough and undeniable. As I walked pass him, I knew very well that he would follow me. The tears streamed down my face, and I feel the soft weight in my head as Jun-kun covers my head with his hoodie. We walked in silence agreement that we would skip our last lecture.

***

We’ve been sitting here for hours in silence, to be precise, Jun-kun has been sitting in silence and I’m weeping on the corner. The sun is almost setting, giving a shade of scarlet to the music room where we spend our last hours in the university. Jun-kun is sitting beside the piano like a stone, intensely staring at me across the room, without saying anything, waiting for me to calm down and talk to him. It will take a while. I can’t grab a hold of myself since we’re getting into this room. My tears won’t stop flowing down. My eyes swollen, hurting as I cried too much. But Jun-kun still hasn’t said a thing.

Ding. A single clink of the piano attracts my attention to the person behind the piano. Jun-kun sit there, playing a simple clear melody under the stream of the evening sun rays. The scarlet colors give him a peaceful sight in his face. I hold my breath unconsciously at that breath taking view. He plays smoothly, a sweet and smooth melody that calmed my scratched heart. When he stops playing, I realized that my eyes have already quit its weeping.

“At last..” he said, looking at me with a relieved expression. “I thought you would never stop crying and start to throw yourself through the window,” He stood slowly, his soft expression slowly turned into a determined one. I didn’t say anything, no, I couldn’t say anything. I could feel how that expression only shows half of his true feeling. He is mad.

He walked carefully, never taking his eyes off of me. I’m drawn into that powerful eyes of his, sitting there, not moving an inch, without saying anything. He stops a meter in front of me. Staring at me with no intention of having me to say no to what is that’s going to be asked.

“I know, something’s going on between you and Sho-kun. As much as I adore Sho-kun as he is too my close friend, to make you cry is not something I could forgive,” he said without further ado. I shut my mouth as not to say anything I will regret. He stood there without saying anything. Waiting for me to respond to what he says, precisely, waiting for me to blurt out the reasons I was so broken.

“It was—“ I said after a long silence. My voice was hoarse after all of those crying. I cleared my throat and continue, “It was something between me and … Sho-kun,” I never thought saying his name would be this hard. “I know I might disappoint you. But, I really couldn’t say anything to you. I appreciate how much care you have given me, it’s only right for me to not give you any more trouble.” I try giving him a slight smile. “I can do well by myself,”

I saw his expression harden. But he still has his self composed. He sighed and sat beside me. “You know, how am I supposed to believe that you can do well by yourself when this morning I saw how distracted you are?” I saw the pain flashing through his eyes. “How am I supposed to stay out of it when you scream at the top of your lungs to someone in pain? How am I supposed to stay cool when I see you crying in despair and agony?” he asked those questions consecutively. Each word holds the emotions he’s been holding since this morning. Heavy, painful, and unexpectedly warm. It left me speechless. I never thought he was this concerned about my being. I smiled at him, his warm feelings getting through me.

“Thank you, Jun-kun, for being so thoughtful about me.” I said holding his hand that’s been clenching his black jeans tightly. “But, as your senpai, I have more experiences than you do, so of course I will be able to handle this kind of thing by myself. I won’t let myself giving trouble to my kouhai,” I said while flexing my right arm. Jun-kun stares at me with some kind of disbelieve swarming in his eyes.

“You really are dense, aren’t you?” he said raising his left eyebrows.

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” I said pointing at his nose pretending to be angry. He removes my fingers away from his face.

“You are dense.” He sighed, I pout, but it soon replaced by an O as I feel his hands tightening its hold on my hand. “I have no other choice. I have to put it bluntly,” he took a deep breath and looking at me with some kind of new determination in his eyes. “I love you, Masaki. More than a kouhai to his senpai. More than a friend to his best friend. I love you, as a man to another man.”

I’m sure I look like a stupid dying fish now. Mouth gaping without the ability to form any words. He confessed to me!

“You might be surprised, but you are too dense to realize,” he said, putting a desperate face.

“Hey, you’re just confessing to this man!” I said finally found my voice and defending my pride. He look at me then smile, “I know, that’s why, I don’t want to see you cry anymore,” he said. I saw how sincere his words are. I might be stupid, but I can tell how sincere Jun-kun was treating me. He was there for me, almost every time when I need someone to lean on. Jun-kun was a great man. I will regret it forever if I hurt him.

***

Happy Valentine's Day Eve! It's not Sakuraiba ne? xDD
I don't understand how it turns out to be Junba. Demo, yappari Jun-kun wa yasashi, ne?
I would love Jun-kun as my date for V-day (gomen ochan, shochan) xDD
Comment would be loved >.<
Please look forward for the next chapter~

Yes, that's all for today~ Please be kind on me~ Sankyuuu~